And now for a little rapid-fire ridiculousness. Enjoy!

If I’m obviously smarter and more competent than my friends, how do I make them feel better about themselves without being a jerk?

You can’t. Just leave for an island where you don’t have to interact with anyone else. We don’t want to feel inferior (as we clearly should), so the best thing you can do is move your intelligence far, far away.

 

What if I live in one city and I want to move to far away but my friends still live there? Am I just inherently a jerk for doing this? What’s the best way to apologize?

You do you, friend. If you need to move away, your friends should understand. You aren’t a jerk for wanting to live somewhere else. Frankly, if there are any jerks here, they’re the people who aren’t moving with you.

 

How can you pay for your friends (for things like dinner) without seeming like a jerk?

Just do it. Give your credit card to the server before the meal starts, and without anyone seeing. When your friend finds out, just say ‘you’re welcome’ (assuming they thank you – saying you’re welcome before being thanked is super douche-y) and move the conversation along.

Unrelated, you free for lunch next week?

 

I judge people when they use hashtags. How do I make them stop? #firstworldproblems

Oh grandpa, I’m so sorry that the kids these days are bothering you with their social media and what not. Just close your eyes and wait for the sweet release of death.